Tea with Linda - COURTESY

Tea with Linda - COURTESY

Contributor: Linda Kavelin Popov, Co-Founder of TVP, July 2025

The virtue of courtesy is sometimes underrated as a “nice to have,” yet it can change conflict to peace. It’s an invaluable bonding agent in relationships, even with ourselves. Reflect on your self-talk. Is it peppered with negative or shaming words? Have you internalized your critical parent? Or do you speak words of love and encouragement to yourself? Do you companion yourself when you have strong emotions? The more we practice courtesy with ourselves, the more naturally it overflows to others.

Persian poet Sa’adi Shirazi said, “Use a sweet tongue, courtesy and gentleness, and thou mayest manage to guide an elephant by a hair.” Think of a hugely determined (aka stubborn) person who holds onto resistance with elephantine strength. With resistance, avoid insistence. Practice courtesy.

The Virtues Strategy of companioning is based on courteous and compassionate curiosity. It is rare for people in conversation to ask questions, yet companioning questions—inviting others to get to the heart of the matter—are like alchemy, turning the interaction into gold. The great value of courtesy arises when we ask open-ended questions starting with “what” or “how,” including the standard companioning question, “How are you, really?” Our attentive presence is a great present.

A friend called when I was about to leave for a ferry. I said, “I literally have one minute before I’m leaving. I’ll give you the best minute I can.” Make sure to be trustworthy and literally stop on time. End with a virtues acknowledgment. Courtesy has many balancing virtues. In this example, it’s balanced with assertiveness to set clear boundaries.

A Pace of Grace describes the troubled C’s of relationship: criticism, control, contempt, and contention. We often have a public persona versus a private one, reserving casual irritability for the ones we love most. Yet for them, one word of negativity is like a grain of sand in the eye. Our partners and our children depend on us to be a mirror of their worth. So, one critical word can cause needless pain.

I have found that the way I speak to those closest to me, as well as myself, requires the most diligent tact, the most loving courtesy, and thoughtful reflection before speaking. Sometimes silence is the most courteous response. When someone has offended you, a look, or a simple “Wow!” and silence can have the greatest impact. Self-regulation of emotions is greatly enhanced by the intent of courtesy.

I recently met an old friend who told me I had changed his life. “How?” I asked. He said that I had transformed his habitual backbiting. I remember preparing my ACT with tact, making a “positivity sandwich” of his many good qualities and being honest that backbiting was unbecoming and spiritually dangerous for him. Proverbs 16:24 says: "Pleasant words are like  honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones."

Don’t be fooled by the sweetness of courtesy. There is nothing fawning or weak about it. It is a powerful key to wellbeing—for those you touch, and most of all, for your own spiritual and mental health.