Tea with Linda - UNDERSTANDING
Tea with Linda - UNDERSTANDING
Linda Kavelin Popov, Co-Founder of TVP, August 2024
How can the practice of virtues help our polarized world to release the deadlock of opposing positions? The first step in healing conflict is to seek understanding. A First Nations elder told me, “Virtues are the bridge between cultures.” Understanding is essential in building bridges in any relationship. It’s the essence of “companioning”
Author Steven Covey wrote, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” This is possible even when strong emotions arise, if we consciously lean into compassion and detachment. Taking a deep breath of peace, our first response to others should be compassionate curiosity.
In The Virtues Project™ we say, “Don’t get furious, get curious.” If a child (or adult) says “I hate you!,” ask “What do you hate?”-- not with a beatific smile but matching their seriousness. Immediately place your companioning shield of compassion and detachment over your heart, so that you can listen sincerely and avoid panic.
I have often used the expression, “Help me to understand how you see it,” when someone expresses their beliefs as THE truth and mine are at the other end of the continuum. It defuses the atmosphere, and counters the temptation to shame or blame. I once did this with the woman who cut my hair. At the end of her long, impassioned declaration, I honored her for her faithfulness to her beliefs and asked, “Would you like to hear how I see it?” Her eyes glazed over, so I kept it short, with two sentences about racial justice and the unity of humanity.
Understanding in one sense is a way of listening so that we can accurately perceive another’s feelings without taking them on ourselves. It can be challenging not to judge another when you believe strongly in something, and they see it differently. If arrows are slung at you, do your best to shield yourself and hear the meaning beneath the words. “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter: 3
Resolving conflict, especially with an intimate one, requires justice as well. Take turns companioning one another, seeking mutual understanding. Put energy into amends and new solutions rather than proving that you’re right or how hurt you are. Not until the issue is fully understood can genuine healing occur.
We all long to be understood and abhor being misunderstood. Expressing an accurate perception of another’s views and feelings builds a bridge rather than a wall. The Baha’i Teachings say, “May you always listen, always hear, always speak with the power of the spirit.” So simple, but not easy at all. It takes spiritual maturity to master the practice of compassionate curiosity and understanding in response to unexpected anger. Yet, when we do, we discover a sweet freedom in the detachment it brings and the peace within our soul.