Tea with Linda - HELPFULNESS

Tea with Linda - HELPFULNESS

Linda Kavelin Popov, Co-Founder of TVP, July 2024.

Being helpful is one of the simplest and most meaningful ways to practice love. It is an aspect of many companion virtues, such as mercy, compassion, caring and service. We also need the balancing virtues of respect for another’s dignity, independence and strength as well as detachment from the suffering of those we are helpless to help. If carried to an extreme, help can be intrusive, overbearing and controlling. You don’t want people thinking, “Help strikes again!” Like any virtue, it is the spirit behind the act – the purity of intent – that allows us to make a difference in the lives of others.

 I had several teachable moments as the primary caregiver of my brother John Kavelin when he was dying of brain cancer. This highly capable, creatively brilliant man, co-founder of The Virtues Project and former Director of Design for Tokyo Disney, could no longer remember how to turn on the coffee machine. It took careful discernment to know how far to take my helpfulness and when to allow him to struggle with some gadget like the TV remote. He once called me Sensei as a virtues acknowledgment, saying, “You are masterful at knowing my needs,” yet another day, he complained that I was trying to control him when his watch stopped, and I suggested we go buy another one. That was a decision he could still make himself. So a key to being truly helpful is to only help others do things they cannot do themselves. 

The husband of a friend has dementia and I always try to engage him in some conversation. If I ask him a question, his wife habitually answers for him. Recently she left our table briefly, and I seized the opportunity to talk to him. “So, you went up to the hospital this morning, Papa?’ He slowly answered, “We went to the hospital to see the cardiologist…with a very long name.” He then paused and I kept listening in silence. He went on “She got mixed up about her plane, so she’ll come later on the 10 am flight.” His wife returned and began to tell me the same story. I said, “Yes, Papa told me.” “Really?! He remembered that?” “Yes, and he also explained about her plane mix-up.” She looked utterly astonished. We often rob others of their freedom and sense of independence by doing things for them that they can do for themselves. 

What’s truly helpful is being a companioning presence, empowering others to do what they can do, and offering thoughtful help when needed. Another facet of this spiritual quality is allowing others the blessing of helping us. People love to be helpful, so ask for help, knowing that, as Shakespeare said, the gift is twice as blessed. It blesses the one who gives and the one who receives.