Tea with Linda - DETACHMENT

Tea with Linda - DETACHMENT

Linda Kavelin Popov, Co-Founder of TVP, October 2023.

I love detachment, a virtue that is often misunderstood. Many people associate it with an “I don’t care” attitude, a kind of cold withdrawal from reality. As a spiritual quality, it is far different from this common definition. Detachment is the strength to step back and take a soul’s eye view of any situation, to release ourselves from the fetters of our emotions, and call on our agency to choose. It allows us to let go of feelings that threaten to overwhelm us. Detachment is required for success in practicing all five Virtues Strategies. The Language of Virtues includes awareness of our strength and growth virtues -  the virtues we show and those we need to grow. 

Detachment brings the courage and truthfulness to see ourselves honestly. In Recognizing Teachable Moments, detachment allows us to take a loving, perceptive look at ourselves, releasing shame and guilt and using them only as a signal for change. Detachment is a portal

to accountability, allowing us to celebrate our spiritual victories and keeping us open to life’s lessons. “I…have ordained for thy training every atom in existence,” says Baha’u’llah, founder of the Baha’i Faith.

Detachment is needed to Set Clear Boundaries and to restore justice to each person. I’m mentoring a social worker who is approaching burnout from years of overwork. What has kept her from maintaining a healthy pace of grace is her excessive compassion for everyone but herself. I asked her, “Do you know what usually stops us from setting boundaries to protect our own wellbeing? Worthiness issues. Very common for women.” Her eyes filled with tears. She said, “I really don’t want to leave my job. I love it!” “What DO you need?” I asked her. “I need a break, time to myself.” Sometimes, a physical break in a place away from obligation and responsibility is the best way to reset our lives, and to discern the boundaries we need to protect our own mental health. 

Detachment is essential in Honoring the Spirit. Whether a daily pause to pray, journal, meditate or simply be in the quiet, those sacred moments of stillness allow us to take a deep breath of solitude to center ourselves and refresh our souls. When balanced with compassion, detachment opens us to the gift of Spiritual Companioning. It shields us from taking on others’ feelings, thereby allowing us to be deeply present without losing ourselves, to focus intently on them with holy curiosity. In a virtues sharing circle at Seattle Youth Detention Center, 14 year old Ginny received the virtue pick of detachment. “What the f--- is that?” she asked. Then she read the card. “Oh, I don’t have any of that,” she said. We all listened in silence while she shared about the violent crime that brought her there. Another girl acknowledged her detachment: “You DO have detachment. Whenever we get into fights, you stay out of it. And you never start a fight. I’d say that’s good detachment.” Ginny grinned and nodded her head. “Thanks. That’s true.” The very knowledge that we can choose not to emotionalize, that we can step away from being dominated by anger or anxiety, and choosing our path forward, that we can tap into our inner vision instead of just reacting, is one of the great gifts of this powerful, uplifting virtue.