Tea with Linda - DECISIVENESS

Tea with Linda - DECISIVENESS

Linda Kavelin Popov, Co-Founder of TVP, April 2023

If you are like most of us, there are times you find yourself struggling with the virtue of decisiveness. It’s all too easy to put off the decision for fear of making one we will regret. There is a big difference between procrastination and taking time for discernment, which is a sister virtue to decisiveness.

Procrastination comes from fear, and it just gets heavier and heavier. It becomes a slow torture, which breeds ongoing anxiety. Discernment, on the other hand, is an active process of considering the facts and the timing, and listening deeply to one’s intuition and inner knowing. It can also be helpful in making good decisions to consult with people whose views you respect and trust. Companioning yourself or another by asking open ended questions is essential. A man recently shared with me that he was considering a move after his partner and he separated, urged on by several friends, yet it meant living at a distance from his young child. “It’s your time. You need to have fun and think of yourself,” they said. He was tempted, yet confessed that he had a huge aching knot in his stomach and was having nightmares about his son crying for him. Exploring his feelings more deeply, he was able to get to the heart of the matter. He realized he was torn between caring for himself and caring for his son. The question became what decision would allow both. He was grateful for companioning and for discerning the core principle -- the virtue of moderation, balancing two things that were both important to him—freedom and responsibility. He came up with a regular visitation schedule based on the principle that above all, children need consistency and trustworthiness. He would be able to spend more quality time with the boy while living in a way that was more conducive to his own health and wellbeing.

Decisiveness calls us to deep courage to follow through once a decision is made and to honor the boundaries that are involved in that decision. There are always boundaries involved – what we stand for and what we will not stand for. So the process involved is:

Examine the choice before you. What is the question?

Establish the facts and explore options. Think creatively – outside the box.

Pray and reflect about it. Laying out your choices in a journal is often helpful. Seek soulful guidance.

Discern the principles or virtues involved. Consider the needs of everyone involved.

Consult others you respect and trust.

Make a decision that feels right intuitively and that reflects your sense of integrity and “rightness”.

Act as if your decision is an arrow you’re sending forth. Follow through completely.

Fully commit to it, understanding that you may make a different decision later. For now, do all in your power to set clear boundaries around the situation and live within them. Only make promises you can keep. Even to yourself.

Of course, there are times when an instant decision is required. Go for it!